Well, hello hello hello to anyone who may possibly be reading this! It has been quite a long time, I know. If you are reading this, then A. I hope you remember me, and B. I'm sorry for being a terrible person and neglecting this journal, and in turn, you. I assumed everyone moved to Tumblr so I just kind of forgot about they haydays of Livejournal.
To say a lot has happened since you've last heard from me would be an exceptional understatement.
First and foremost and most importantly, I have an amazing nephew. He was born May 4th, 2011, and all those years I spent being suicidal have gradually faded away, as I thought maybe he's been the answer to my prayers (if you have a purpose for me, I beg of you; show it to me) all along. I cannot adequately put into words how much I love him and how much joy he has brought me. He ignites something inside me; Idk, like life. True, absolute happiness.
I turned THIRTY YEARS OLDthis year. How fucking disgusting is that?? Actually, I started out the year feeling fairly positive, and I thought 30 was going to be the year I finally got my shit together.
I got into an argument in March with my grandmother, and she called the police on me and (lied) told them I pushed her. I was arrested and tased, and spent 40 days in jail. To say it was anything other than utterly traumatic would be a staggering understatement. I don't want to get too much into it right now, but if anyone wants the full story, I'll write a post on it later.
I'm now on a year of probation (pretrial intervention, so its not as serious as actual probation) and luckily for me I've been assigned a pretty laid back probation officer. He's sympathetic to my mental illnesses and has waived community service, job search and more than half of the fines I need to pay to complete the program.
Everyone in jail warned me about taking probation: "they're going to fuck you over", "any wrong move you make the state will be all over your ass". Well they weren't lying.
On the 6th of this month I was in a near-fatal car accident. It was a weird, freak accident thing. Somehow, I lost control of my car and slammed into an electrical pole and my car overturned. I was trapped inside, my right leg jammed somewhere. I was disoriented and ended up blacking out a lot of it. I can't remember this part but I did have to be cut out with the jaws of life. The next thing I can remember is "waking up" inside my hospital room, where I asked where I was.
I suffered a concussion, and major bone and muscle bruising in my right leg, as well as a fractured rib. I consider myself blessed for that. Everyone who saw the car, police and paramedics included, said I was fortunate to be alive. They said they didn't expect to find me alive inside the car. They also said had I not been wearing my seat belt I most certainly would have been killed.
But I did get a fucking ticket for reckless driving (so rude lol). The ticket states I don't need to appear in court, but several days later, I got a letter from the state's attorney saying I needed to go to court. So yeah, they're definitely harassing me. I spoke to my PO about it and he said it wasn't a criminal thing, just traffic court, where I guess they're going to make sure I'm going to pay my ticket. Just ridiculousness.
I had to have a small operation on my leg the other day. Its been swollen since the accident, and the night before I went back to the hospital, I squeezed at a huge lump that my friend ballroom said may be an abscess. Well, what came out was worse than I thought. Black blood with chunks of clotting squeezed out like it was a giant pimple. I squeezed it about 10 times before it became more difficult to release more.
I went to the hospital the next day to have it checked for infection. When the Physician's Assistant came in, he removed the bandage I had over the wound, and that same black blood just oozedout, pooling on the hospital bed. Eventually, after squeezing much moreout, he ended up giving me an incision at which point I could no longer look. I was feeling faint. The site of the incision didn't hurt; he'd numbed it. But as he was squeezing the old, dead blood out of me, he was pushing on the bruising that was up and down my shin. It was agonizing. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I began crying and even passed out for a moment. Once he was done, he stapled the incision and I was off to get an ultrasound to check for blood clots. None were found and I was discharged.
Overall, my dirty 30s have startedout, I suppose, as the saying goes. I've been done reallllll dirty. I'm looking forward to correcting the beginning half of this year and hoping for a more pleasant later half of the year.
Hope to hear from you guys. Ta ta for now 💖